A tale as old as time. The question that may never be answered. Two of the men dubbed “GOAT” by many a blue checkmark. The release of certain documentary has only added fire to this flame, like the width of Adam Gases’ eyes after adding a hourly dose of Colombian bam bam to his everyday regimen. How do we settle this debate?

Most people say it can’t be done. The accolades backing up both men are numerous, and the stats are too similar to make a decision. Similar to an argument between Skip “Drip” Bayless and his worthy opponents, usually a gassed up Mark Cuban or well-read Shannon Sharpe, this debate has always ended in a stalemate worse than the one encountered by the Germans and British during WW1. This leads to the No Man’s Land known as MJ vs. LBJ, a place where many attempt to gain ground on their foes but ultimately end up either getting caught in barbed wire and dying, or in modern day terms getting “roasted” and “ratio’d” on Twitter. I’m not sure which is worse.

But that’s beside the point. Today, we are going to make history by doing something that has never been done. By the end of this blog, we will have determined a winner in the GOAT discussion.

“But Ezekiel, this debate is hotter than a three way between Alex Jones, Gun Girl, and Donald Trump!”

I know, fellow citizen. But unlike that wild fantasy, in this instance we know who is getting pissed off (and on, and shit on as well @gungirl) and how to stop the flow of frustration much like the prostate of a 70 year old man keeps him from letting loose.

You’re damn right we’re gonna end this issue once and for all. Let’s dive in.

The Candidates

One one hand, you have an extremely talented MJ who was truly a pioneer for his profession. He could do it all, from an athletic standpoint and a PR standpoint as well. He was beloved by all during his run in the 80’s and 90’s and seemed to be immortal. That is until a recent documentary convinced many people that he was not the saint that he was thought to be. Irresponsible behavior that potentially could have led to jail time or suspensions caused MJ’s once untarnished reputation to become more stained than Adam Schefter’s bedsheets when he hears that he beat Rapaport to a trade rumor. Additionally, his failure to participate in politics caused many to think of him as selfish. However, many still consider MJ the GOAT because of the overall resume and records he holds.

Then we have the challenger to the throne, LBJ. He truly is one of the unicorns of his time. There aren’t many like him that come from his part of the world. Although he doesn’t have the accolades that MJ has, he still has a solid career behind him and won enough championships to be respected. One of the knocks against LBJ, however, is his political activism that turns off many conservative fans. In addition to that, it is well known that LBJ doesn’t like his teammates and often gets jealous when he is not the main center of attention. Some would say that he would go as far as killing someone just to take over all the power. That being said, LBJ is a physical presence unlike most we have seen and cares a lot about his constituents.

The Verdict.

Ultimately this argument has to come to an end, even though it seems that it could last longer than Dan Bilzerian after he pops a blue guy and has wicked sex with all those girls that love him for who he is and not because he paid them to. While there are many stats that back up both contenders, it ultimately comes down to the difference in negative attributes that makes this debate easy to end.

The obsession with buttholes is where we start. While butthole obsessions are not necessarily a bad thing, it does matter what kind of buttholes you like. LBJ is only worried about his own while MJ allegedly was very keen on those of little boys.

Additionally, many blame MJ for getting “whiter” as he aged in order to please the masses. By the end of his life it was like he was the anti-Shaun King: you couldn’t tell that he was a black guy who looked white. Much like Kirk Lazarus himself, it was almost like he got a pigmentation surgery.

The knocks against MJ are just too great to overcome. In the end LBJ wins because he is an all around respected guy and to my knowledge there aren’t any allegations of him doing weird things with little boys. Congrats LBJ!